Blog Credit: Jordan Montgomery, PhD, LMFT

It is normal to experience conflict in your relationship with your partner. The key is to gain awareness on these types of communications and start to identify healthier ways to communicate. Through this awareness, you and your partner can start to break previous habits and patterns of communicating. Conflict might start to feel unhealthy and habitual if you and your partner are experiencing the following communication issues:

• The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: Gottman (2022) and colleagues coined 4 types of unhealthy communication styles that can be detrimental to couple relationships. These forms of communication are backed by extensive research Dr. Gottman (2022) and colleagues collected on thousands of couples. The four horseman include (listed further below are antidotes to these forms of communication):
  • Criticism: Attacking or criticizing your partner’s actions, behaviors, or character. Examples of this include, “You’re so lazy, you never listen, you work all the time, etc.”
  • Contempt: Rolling your eyes, turning away from your partner, name calling your partner, or mocking your partner in a hostile or sarcastic manner that is hurtful.
  • Defensiveness: Defending your character or behavior (usually in response to criticism), instead of acknowledging what you’re partner is feeling or needing.
  • Stonewalling: Shutting down instead of communicating you need space, not talking to your partner or engaging in the silent treatment.
• Antidotes to the Four Horsemen: The following are recommended as healthier forms of communication if you feel you and your partner are starting to engage in the four horseman:
  • Antidote for Criticism: Gottman (2022) recommends “I feel, I need” statements. This includes focusing on the emotion (e.g. hurt, confused, sad, angry, overwhelmed, anxious, etc.) and expressing your emotions to your partner and following up with a need. For example, if the conflict is starting to feel overwhelming, you could state, “I feel overwhelmed.” An “I feel” statement is not about your partner and what you think they are doing wrong, it is about you expressing how you feel and your partner expressing how they feel. It is also important to express what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and you cannot read your partner’s mind. You are responsible for expressing your needs, and it is healthy to tell your partner what you need. Examples of “I need” statements include:
    • “I need us to communicate about our children more. Can we set a weekly time us talking more about our children?”
    • “I need you initiate intimacy. I feel desired when you pursue me intimately.”
    • “I need quality time with you. Can we pick a date for us to have this time together?”
  • There’s many other ways to express needs. “I need” statements can often be affiliated with love languages and expressing what you need related to a love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and receiving gifts) (5 love languages, 2023).
  • Antidote for Contempt: Gottman (2022) suggests creating a culture of appreciation. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Is there something your partner has done in the last week that you are grateful for? Express this appreciation for them and let them know. When you are feeling contempt come up, try to shift your thoughts to what you appreciate about your partner.
  • Antidote for Defensiveness: When your partner is expressing a need or a change that they are wanting, it is important to acknowledge what you can do to help make a change. If your partner has expressed something you did that was hurtful, it is important to acknowledge it. If you didn’t mean to hurt your partner, what is important instead is to focus on what your partner is stating they feel hurt about (and not that you didn’t mean to hurt them) (Gottman & Gottman, 2022).
  • Antidote for Stonewalling: Conflict can make both partners feel stressed, overwhelmed, and/or triggered. It is important at this time to express if you feel overwhelmed and need a break from the conversation. Using “I feel, I need” statements this can look like, “I feel overwhelmed. I need a break from this conversation. Can we come back to talk about this later?” If your partner expresses they need some space from the conversation, it important that you respect this need. Additionally, whoever states that they need space from the conflict should be the one to re-initiate a follow-up conversation. During a follow-up conversation, you can your partner can take turns discussing “I feel” statements. Again, focus on how you felt triggered and how you can do better at communicating the next time you’re in conflict. Listen to your partner express their emotions and how they could do better when in conflict with you in the future. Having a follow-up conversation after conflict does not mean you or your partner blame each other for the conflict. It is a time to talk about how you felt and what you needed and your partner doing the same, and you both hearing one another’s perspectives (Gottman & Gottman, 2022).

Ultimately, you and your partner are human and learning how to communicate healthier takes time, patience, and awareness. What’s important after having an unproductive argument is recovering from conflict and having a follow-up conversation when you both feel calm. Keep in mind that this process should include you and your partner working together to fight unhealthy cycles of communication, rather than fighting each other or blaming one another.

If you feel you are in need of services to process your cycles of communication and learn healthy tips for understanding one another, you can contact Revive Family Counseling to set up an appointment with any of our skilled therapists.

References:

Gottman, J.M. & Gottman, J.S. (2022). Chapter 16: Gottman Method Couple Therapy. In Lebow, J.L. & Snyder, D.K. (Eds.) Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy Sixth Edition. (pp. 362-390). Guilford Publications.

5 Love Languages. (2023, February 6). What are the 5 love languages? https://5lovelanguages.com/learn